So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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