my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
