I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
