everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
