it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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