Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
