so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
