I wish my penis had an off switch
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
