You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
