420 ftw
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
