dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
