I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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