just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize