I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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