I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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