I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize