similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
