oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
