Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize