How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
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