just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
