I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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