were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
