I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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