I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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