new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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