Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
