Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
