He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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