come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
