It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
false alarm. still invincible.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
