Betty ford says i'm here all night
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
