dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
