McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
