Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
