I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
