Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
