Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
