You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize