apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
