Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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