this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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