dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
