just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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