while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
