Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
