saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize