I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
