Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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