Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
