Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
