nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Actions speak louder than pants.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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