Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
