I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
