I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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