I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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