I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
