I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I fill condoms, not promises.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Text me some of your sweat
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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