just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
