Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
