Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I just found a bag of teeth...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
