The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
