I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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