you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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