I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
