he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
