I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
