I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
