wanna go halves on a baby?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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