i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Sober January is a disaster.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
We talked him into tasing himself.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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