Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
