Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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