What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
pray to the hookup gods
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
