dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
