They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
